A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes

Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Q: What is the legal definition of "Appeal"?

A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?

A: Your Honor.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator

Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?

A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.

Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?

A: Jewelry.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and accountants?

A: At least accountants know they're boring.

Stories:

1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."

3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."

And finally:

You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes.

Richard Chapo is a San Diego business lawyer with http://www.sandiegobusinesslawfirm.com and is rumored to have a sense of humor. Then again, you never know with rumors.

In The News:

Book review: Inspiration and humor for DIY-ers
Chicago Sun-Times, United States - 1 hour ago
BY KAY SEVERINSEN - SearchChicago-Homes Editor Ever wondered what possesses the people who rehab vintage homes? Not only are the homes decrepit and filthy ...
Their house was so ugly they called it the 'barn' Chicago Sun-Times
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Colantuono Tries To See The Humor Of It All
Goal.com, Switzerland - 17 hours ago
A few days after his shock dismissal as Palermo coach, Stefano Colantuono talked about his side of the story. The coach had already been sacked by the ...

Canada.com
Microsoft Sprinkles Seinfeld-Gates Humor In Its “Warm-Up” Ad
eFluxMedia - 22 hours ago
However, if you just take the ad itself, it's actually funny, sprinkled with some Seinfeld humor and Bill Gates' complete lack of acting skills, ...
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RE[3]: Wow Newmobilecomputing.com
Reality Check: The Seinfeld ad was superb CNET News
guardian.co.uk - Bloombergall 524 news articles

Strawman Logic Easily Shows Humor, Absurdity
TriCities.com, TN - 5 hours ago
By Letters To The Editor In the spirit of election season lightheartedness, I would like to submit a written impression of the run-of-the-mill, ...

Walking the thin line between humor and oppression
Manila Bulletin, Philippines - Sep 5, 2008
Himaruya’s ability to find humor in a historical event is a mark of his genius. As a teacher of mine once said, it takes great understanding and wisdom to ...

Duck humor: Wide misses or foul hits? MARK GUYDISH OPINION
Wilkes Barre Times-Leader, PA - 22 hours ago
I just find his swings at humor are usually either wide misses or foul hits (baseball and bird pun in one). To me, the quack’s not funny. ...

Microsoft’s Seinfeld Campaign: Random Humor, No Vista
Wall Street Journal Blogs, NY - Sep 5, 2008
The 90-second ad is basically a showcase for Seinfeld’s observational humor and Gates’s penchant for self parody. Gates is buying a pair of shoes at Shoe ...

Despite bits of humor, 'Baghead' has a minimalist plot and is ...
Baltimore Sun, United States - Sep 5, 2008
The film has moments of horror-fueled humor, but they're never as funny or scary as they should be. And even if the minimalist plot is a shrewd response to ...

Harris' sense of humor
Chicago Sun-Times, United States - Sep 5, 2008
Harris Bank, one of Chicago's venerable financial institutions, is adding to its advertising arsenal of print, outdoor and online work a series of three ...

Boston Globe
HBO's vampire tale taps a vein of dark humor and gothic romance
Boston Globe, United States - Sep 5, 2008
Just the name Sookie Stackhouse captures a sense of the humor - it's a slight parody of a typical young-adult heroine's name, like Pippi Longstocking, ...
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